How to Dumpster Dive

>> Friday, July 30, 2010

I am not ashamed of my "epic fails" as we call them around these parts. I feel like perhaps, writing and operating a "how-to" site of sorts, might send the WRONG message. I enjoy my little life, and the how-tos I create are simply what works for me, ya know? Try if it if you'd like or not, whatev.  My misadventures simply further the plot, if you will. Mostly, The Diet Coke Diet exists for entertainment and bit of enlightenment.

Today, I offer you both.

The other day, my sister and her children were visiting our humble abode. We had gotten a FREAKING AWESOME coupon in the mail, that we fully intended to take advantage of. It involved food AND entertainment of the child-like kind and it involved an air conditioned facility. Really, it was the absolute perfect way to spend an afternoon.

I magnetically secured said necessary coupon to the fridge and went on with my life.

Unbeknownst to me, tragedy was going to strike.

The morning of our planned coupon-driven excursion, I was explaining our plans to my mother.

"See, we have this coupon..."

(It must be said that WITHOUT the coupon, there was absolutely no point in our outing.The deal was too good, and to be coupon-less would have rendered the trip unaffordable. I'm thrifty, remember.)

"Oh, yes, I saw that," replies my mother. "But I threw it away yesterday. It had gotten all wet."

"" I stammered.

"Just go get it. It's right on top," She said, unconcernedly.

"I just took the trash out!" I cried in horror.

"Well, it was trash day yesterday, so the bag will be all alone. Just go get it. It will be right on top," She repeated.

"No! NO! NO! I couldn't get the trash bag OUT of the can! It ripped, so I just took the whole can out and dumped it upside down. It is now ON THE VERY BOTTOM!" Despair was ripping through me at this point. Utter and complete despair. It was quickly replaced with resolve, fortitude and courage.

"Watch my kids! I am going dumpster diving!" I said as I flew out the door.

My courage waivered almost immediately. The only other dumpster diving experience I had was when I was 9 months pregnant with Spencer and had thrown my car keys away into a large, very smelly theater camp dumpster. I had returned triumphant from that experience. I could do this. This was just a small (and smelly) waste management can. I could handle this.

I laid the blue stinker on it's side, lifted the lid and climbed inside.

This coupon was THAT GOOD.

Corn husks from my dear husband's corn-grilling the night before littered EVERYTHING else. Yikes. I pulled the very ripped bag toward me as more and more trash fell out of the upside down bag. I pulled it out and returned into the can, KNOWING the coupon was on the very bottom. I dug and dug. One bag of very full trash had yielded some seriously gross things. I had thrown away half a raspberry cheesecake shake the night before, and the melted goo had made it VERY difficult to distinguish what I was seeing.

I thanked my lucky stars that morning sickness was gone, otherwise I'd have been heaving all over the place.

I found coupons, yes, but not the elusive one I needed. Junk mail, surely, but not my GOLDEN TICKET!

I went in again and again, and failed. Repeatedly.

Finally, I had to admit defeat. It either wasn't here, or it was so destroyed by corn husks and raspberry cheesecake ice cream that it had been rendered indistinguishable from other litter.

I sighed. I cleaned up my mess. And I betook my sorry failure of tushie in the house.

"Did you find it?" the anxious question from my mother came as I staggered into the house.

"No, I have no idea where it could be in there. I dug, deep," I replied sadly as I walked to the kitchen to wash my hands.

"Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't realize you needed it!" My poor mother sounded very sorry indeed.

I turned from the sink to reply, "No problem, it's not your fault," when I stopped.

I stared.

I blanched.

I grimaced.

For there, next to the microwave, slightly smudged from water, but otherwise intact was my coupon.

My blessed, cursed coupon.

Further investigation showed that my dear sweet husband, seeing it in the trash and knowing we needed it, had rescued it.

Bless him.

All was forgiven and I went and took a shower.

We enjoyed the HECK outta that coupon that day. Let me tell you.


Angie July 30, 2010 at 9:45 AM  

I'm not really a germ-phobe, but I don't know that I could dumpster dive over a coupon. I would probably have gone without, especially since reading your story almost made me retch and I have no gestational excuse. But I praise your moxie and even more D's foresight.

Amber C July 30, 2010 at 3:44 PM  

Wow! Kudos to my Bro for his observant genius! Totally deserves rewarding! Sorry you had to go digging in the trash though. I have done that; and I hated it.

Alisa and Jared July 31, 2010 at 7:50 AM  

Good husband--bad Mommy!! (I don't mean that in a literal sense...your Mom is great!)

Katy B. July 31, 2010 at 10:40 AM  

I think that is one of the best posts I have read all year! Thank you for the laugh. You rock!

Sharon Cohen July 31, 2010 at 12:40 PM  

I'm not special but I am now a follower. With adventures like this to enjoy who needs prime time television?

I'm visiting from Post of the Week. Thanks for putting this on the reading list!

Saimi July 31, 2010 at 2:32 PM  

Yay a woman after my own heart!! I've been known to dumpster dive a time or two and my husband thinks I'm crazy! But a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do and sometimes that means taking dumpsters into your own hands!

Great post and glad it worked out for you!!

coming at ya from MMB and now a follower! :)

Lynn July 31, 2010 at 4:33 PM  

Also came from MMB...I love the story and I love the picture!

Wonder Woman July 31, 2010 at 7:14 PM  

I had a similar experience yesterday, but luckily it didn't come to me dumpster diving. I told the kids we'd get corn dogs since I had a coupon, then couldn't find said coupon. I looked for over 30 minutes, to no avail. Luckily corn dogs are cheap enough that I decided I could do without the coupon.

Not only did I get the *exact* coupon in the bag with my corn dogs, but I found the coupon sitting on the dining room table (in the stack of papers I looked through 3 times) as soon as I returned.

Crazy coupon ladies rock!

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