How to Relocate (in 16 steps)

Okay, so right now, I am in the THRONGS of relocation. Anyone who knows me, knows it is NOT my favorite thing. See, in fact, it is SO LOW on my list of favorite things it ranks in behind, "Poop my hand" and "Vomit on my shoes."

See? It's NOT cool, not fun and I don't recommend it. What it is, is a soul-sucking adventure that leave you wondering whether or not going to prison is a risk you're willing to take. Because if it is, then dumping gasoline on all your belongings and dropping a match near-by starts sounding really tempting.

BUT, since I don't recommend that either, here is your "How to Relocate" Diet Coke Diet style.

1. Have more stuff than actually fits in your house. This is accomplished by having a spouse with an office off-site. The office is full to the brim with "work" stuff. Also, have a garage that is home to anything that doesn't fit in your house.

2. Decide to downsize to two bedrooms (approximate 300 square feet) from 1800.

3. Try and sell everything you own on Craig's List, only to be contacted countless times by scammers who wish to give you "free laptops" if you'll just "click on this link."

4. Have your children cry every time you put something in a box, afraid they will never see it again.

5. Send half your household to Goodwill and have your children cry every time you get near the store, because they know you're giving away their toys.

6. Try really hard to be organized for the first three weeks you're packing boxes.

7. Give up organization for the easier, quicker "Throw crap in boxes and tape it shut" method. It is FAST and EASY. We know that is the entire basis of The Diet Coke Diet.

8. Tell your children to STOP climbing on boxes like a mountain. Make sure they ignore you entirely until a stack of boxes crashes down upon one of them, eliciting much screaming in terror from said child.

9. Threaten to leave ALL people under 5ft tall behind when relocating.

10. Pack your kitchen 5 days before departure, necessitating eating things like tortilla chips straight out of the bag and calling it "Lunch."

11. Drink your weight in carbonated beverages in an attempt to stay sane, stay happy and stay awake.

12. Wonder if it's strictly necessary to tape boxes shut. Perhaps if you stack them really tight on the truck, tape will not be required.

13. Cry when the noise from the tape dispenser wakes up the baby who refuses to nap.

14. Spend more time driving all around seeing all the people you love before you leave than you spend packing. Decide that maybe throwing yourself a "Goodbye" party might not have been a terrible idea.

15. Spend a freaking ton of money on stuff that you have to have to move. I don't even know what stuff it is, but we have spent the money on it.

16. Rethink the arson plan approximately 4 times a day.